first love
by Bluengineer
Summary: It's bedtime for Gou but he has one more question for his Papa before he calls it a day.


I'm in deep in nostalgia hell, so might as well dump all my fic stuff here ha-HAH.

[Crossposted on AO3]

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 _ **first love**_

"Papa?"

Kai glanced up from his task of tucking his 5-year-old son into bed, lilac eyes staring straight into an identical pair, albeit a shade darker.

"Yes?"

With his blanket up to the tip of his nose, the boy wiggled a little upwards, his chin popping up behind the blanket. Big, earnest eyes glittered curiously in the dim light of the night lamp.

"Who was your first love?"

Kai blinked, a little stumped at the question. Then, he raised an eyebrow.

"Is this your way of asking for a bedtime story?"

Gou seemed to consider his words for a moment, before determinedly nodding with a small sound. The man huffed in slight amusement and sat down onto the edge of the bed right next to his son. Seeing the opportunity, the boy leaned forward slightly.

"So was it Mama?" he asked curiously, his small hands clutching the edge of his blanket. Kai's lips quirked a little as he leaned back onto his hands, his eyes momentarily flicking up to the many glow-in-the-dark stars they had stuck onto Gou's ceiling.

"Your mother definitely is one of my greatest love," he started slowly, before looking back down at his son, "but she wasn't my first love."

"Oh," Gou said, deflating almost disappointedly before he perked up with a small gasp, "was it me?"

Kai had to bite down a chuckle – his son never failed to amuse him.

"When you were born, it was love at first sight when I saw you," he explained, "but not my first love. My first love was many, many years ago."

Gou's eyes went wide and he sat up, tucking his feet under him. He's still clutching his blanket, now lying on his lap.

"Before I was born?" he whispered almost conspiratorially and Kai smirked a little.

"Way before,"

"But that must be hundred years ago!"

"I'm not that old," Kai reached out to tickle his son's side. The child squeaked, the noise dissolving into a fit of giggles. Writhing away from the attack, Gou fell back onto his bed but he scrambled up quickly again, big smile on his little face. At the bright expression, Kai couldn't hold back the small chuckle that escaped him and his son crawled closer again, curious glint back in his big eyes.

"If it's not me or Mama, who was your first love then?" the boy asked, now sitting next to his father with his short legs dangling over the edge of his bed. His father hummed.

"Take another guess,"

Gou stared intently at his hands in his lap, picking at the hem of his baby-blue pyjama, mental pictures of all his father's friends flitting through his mind – there were so many, which one could be right? He decided on the most logical one.

"Was it Uncle Tala?"

Kai almost snorted at that one, but shook his head instead. Gou pouted.

"Uncle Ray? He has pretty hair, you always like to play with Mama's hair,"

Internally, the man commended his son's observational skills but again, he shook his head. Oh, there was the pouty bottom lip. Suddenly, Gou's face brightened again.

"Was it your mama?"

A small silence filled the room, until Kai lifted a hand to card his fingers through the boy's soft hair.

"No," he said quietly, memories of a dark, lonely mansion too big for his childhood-self resurfacing, "I didn't exactly know my mother very much."

"Oh," was the only response he got, before a small warmth pressed into his side. They were silent for a while. Then;

"Was it Uncle Tyson?"

At that one, Kai actually snorted a little.

"Most definitely not," he said, thinking back to the early days of being a fresh Bladebreaker, constantly shutting out his teammates and participating in one-sided arguments with Tyson. Gou giggled before pressing his cheek against his father's side.

"Hint, hint," he needled, tugging at Kai's shirt slightly. The man hummed, brushing Gou's bangs back, revealing his round face – no wonder his wife liked to do this all the time and pepper the little face with kisses. Their son truly was adorable.

"Let's see…" Kai started, thinking a little before giving the first hint. "She's…big,"

Gou blinked owlishly up at him.

"Bigger than you, Papa?"

"Oh yes, much bigger,"

An awed expression bloomed on the child's face. Then, excited at the hint, he sat up on his knees, nearly tumbling into his father's lap.

"Is she beautiful?"

Kai nodded, one hand hovering cautiously behind his son's back in case the boy would tip over. He'd rather not want to explain to his wife on why their son had gotten himself a concussion at almost 8pm at night.

"She's very beautiful, magnificent even," he said with a slight curve on his lips. Gou squinted up at him suspiciously.

"…more beautiful than Mama?" he asked in a disbelieving voice, shaking his head as if the mere idea was simply preposterous to him. "No one is more beautifuller than Mama! Mama is more mag- magnee- magniff–"

He ended the word with a sound that was similar to a sneeze, but as soon as he was done, he gave his father a disgruntled glare. Kai only lazily raised his eyebrows.

"You can't compare her beauty, Gou," he said, "your mother is beautiful in her own way, such as the person you're looking for."

"But–!"

"You know this person,"

Gou's eyes went wide before he gasped in horror.

"Auntie Hilary?!" he exclaimed, looking utterly scandalised and Kai had to bite his tongue in order not to snicker. "But she is Macchan's Mama!"

"I– She's not the one, Gou," he assured and his eyes briefly flickered up to something behind his son, "but the one you're looking for has always been there. Even when you were born, she was there. And I think she'll keep sticking around for a long time."

For once, the boy looked completely befuddled as he scrunched up his nose in confusion.

"But…but I don't remember anyone who–" he stopped himself, looking blankly ahead and Kai could almost see the lightbulb light up above his head. The child spun around, nearly sending himself into a tumble down his bed and subsequently almost giving his father a heart attack. Gou scrambled for his bedside table and as he reached it, he halted for a second before carefully, almost reverently scooping up Dranzer in his tiny hands. Kai had taken to leaving Dranzer at his son's bedside table after Gou had a series of nightmares that left him in tears in front of his parents' bed. The child had known Dranzer since he was a mere infant, always curiously reaching for the shiny blue bey, so he was immediately convinced by his father's words that the phoenix would keep him safe. Dranzer herself had always been fond of her guardian's offspring.

Gou broke his gaze away from Dranzer, turning slightly to look at his father with big eyes filled with wonder. Seeing Kai's small smile made him grin however as he shuffled close again.

"Suza-chan was your first love!" the boy concluded triumphantly and Kai huffed a little, amused. He accepted Dranzer into his own hand as his son climbed directly into his lap. Having made himself comfortable, Gou pulled his hand closer to inspect the blue bey, using his finger to trace the edges slightly. Kai noted how Dranzer fit perfectly into the centre of his palm, but looked bigger in his son's hands – it reminded him of the first time he had held her in his own hands as a child many years ago.

"Before I met all your uncles, your aunts, your mother," Kai started quietly, gently swiping his thumb over Dranzer's bit-chip as Gou followed the motion. "I was…a different person back then, with almost no friends and I barely had anyone to call family."

"That sounds very lonely…" Gou murmured sadly, cupping his hands around Dranzer.

"Yeah,"

"Being lonely makes me sad, Papa,"

Kai's mouth quirked a little.

"Yeah, I know," he said, continuing, "but since it was everything I ever knew, I thought I was the only one I ever needed…until I got Dranzer."

"And Suza-chan made all the sad loneliness go away," the boy in Kai's lap whisper-cheered and the man chuckled softly.

"With Dranzer, things stopped feeling so cold. Everything felt less empty, less lonely…I wasn't always a good person, sometimes I was a real jerk. To her and everyone around me,"

Gou made a disbelieving sound, "Papa was a bully?"

"A little,"

"Mama would not like that, she said bullying is bad,"

"Trust me," Kai said half-amused, "she did not approve of any of that, and yes, bullying is bad, I learned my lesson."

They lapsed into a short, contemplative silence as Gou turned Dranzer in his father's hand, delighting himself on how she caught and reflected the light. Kai decided to interrupt the silence once again.

"But…" he continued, "despite of all what happened and what I've done, Dranzer never left my side, no matter how many mistakes I made and how many times I repeated them. When I once lost her…it was like I lost a part of me, and that's when I realised how much she meant to me."

Gently, he squeezed the bey, mindful of Gou's hands still around her. He felt how the boy had started to lean back into his chest, Kai guessed that he must be getting sleepy. His suspicion was confirmed when Gou spoke up again, voice tired.

"Do you love Suza-chan as much as Mama?"

"I do," Kai said softly, gently lifting his son out of his lap before tucking him back into bed. Gou continued to inspect Dranzer with half-lidded eyes as Kai pulled the blanket back up. "But in a different way than how I love your mother."

There was another confused nose scrunch.

"I dun' get it," Gou mumbled sleepily before yawning. Kai smiled – a little thing, all soft edges and glittering adoration dancing in his eyes. He gently pried Dranzer out of the clutches of small fingers, placing her back onto his son's bedside table, where she could continue being vigilant.

"One day you will," he promised quietly, brushing back the bangs out of the boy's face. Gou smiled, burying himself into his warm blanket and curling up on his side. Before his eyes fluttered close, he mumbled once more;

"I love you, Papa,"

A warmth so very similar to Dranzer bloomed in Kai's chest. Once, he thought nothing could slip past the walls he had so carefully built around his heart, he thought that love and friendship were a weakness, to let something so close to one's heart – his heart, so lonely and empty. Sometimes, he thought he could've made better decisions along the way, decisions that didn't leave people around him heartbroken. He could've, he knew, but the path he took brought him into a better place, one he fought tooth and nail for, and it was worth it, the effort, the strain, for this better place. He leaned down, lips brushing gently against his son's temple, almost as if to imprint the small whisper left behind as Kai silently retired to his own room.

 _"_ _I love you too."_

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Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it – let me know in the comments!

– Bluengineer


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